Sometimes I feel like I stress and worry about EVERYTHING and I mean everything. Some of the things that are worrying/stressing me out right now are....
- that I will NEVER find a full time job
- that I will be stuck selling greeting cards forever
- that I am an awful advocate and that is part of the reason no one wants to hire me
- MONEY
- that I have disappointed and continue to disappoint people
- my body
- my car and the problems it loves to have
- that I am not doing enough of the housework in my relationship
- that my partner is not happy
- did I mention money and never find a job I somewhat like?
- that I am 23 and will never finish school
- that I cant find time to finish my book or to read in general
- my e-mail
- that I cant find the time to write in this blog
Overall I have not been feeling particularly competent lately. I know I am just in a funk and that everything will work out, at least I hope it will...
Its hard to feel like you are good at things when you do not get any positive feedback. I know you should not need others to validate that you but dam its depressing when you don't. When I worked on campus I always felt like I was valued and that I was a important part of the team. Now I work at a greeting card company where my boss makes sure to point out everything you do wrong. If he gives you a complement he makes sure to point out the 5 things you did wrong as well. I feel replaceable at the shelter and sometimes worry that I will be fired at any moment. At least there I feel like I use my brain and that I am doing something worth while. I realize that what you do for a living should not define your self worth or you but I am having a really hard time doing that. I have a hard time selling greeting cards to a bunch of white, Christian, upper middle class people that could care less about feminism and equal rights and not feeling crappy that I am not doing something that I am truly passionate about and that I feel like matters. Sometimes it all makes me feel like I don't know who I am anymore...
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, November 7, 2010
You Need a Card for What Holiday?
As some know, I work part time at a greeting card company where my activist soul dies a little each day. If I had my way my existence there would go something like this…
Would you like to purchase one more card and get 100 extra bonus points? And did you know that 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted between sophomore year of high school and sophomore year of college?
Are there any other holidays I can remind you of? We have our Thanksgiving cards out or as I like to call it National Rape and Murder Day.
What can I help you find today? … You need Hanukkah cards? Follow me as we make a right at the giant Frosty the Snowman, past the three aisles of Christmas cards and one Kwanza card, we’ll make a left at the glittery Santa, make sure to watch out for the glitter. Here it is: a third of row where you can find all your needs for Hanukah; your cards, your presents, and your wrapping paper.
Yes, I make a difference. One white-Christian-upper-class greeting card at a time.
Would you like to purchase one more card and get 100 extra bonus points? And did you know that 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted between sophomore year of high school and sophomore year of college?
Are there any other holidays I can remind you of? We have our Thanksgiving cards out or as I like to call it National Rape and Murder Day.
What can I help you find today? … You need Hanukkah cards? Follow me as we make a right at the giant Frosty the Snowman, past the three aisles of Christmas cards and one Kwanza card, we’ll make a left at the glittery Santa, make sure to watch out for the glitter. Here it is: a third of row where you can find all your needs for Hanukah; your cards, your presents, and your wrapping paper.
Yes, I make a difference. One white-Christian-upper-class greeting card at a time.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Sensitive or maybe not (I am horrible at coming up with titles)
Today when I walked in to work (my retail job) my boss greeted me by yelling at me over scheduling. Before I was hired I had told him that they would have to be flexible with my hours since I have another job. I tried to be very clear about this and he said he would be more than happy to work with me. Today he said I was not clear and he was angry with me that there were restrictions on times that I couldn't work. I think I held my own and stood up for what I need. Yet I still feel like nothing was resolved and I worry we will have the same argument next week when he makes a new schedule. I take these things so to heart and it completely ruins my day. I spent a good portion of the morning wanting to cry and agonizing over the exchange. Maybe I am too sensitive but I am still agonizing over this, worrying that I was not clear and that he will be mad at me again even though it happened almost 7 hours ago.
I always do this when I feel like I have not lived up to someones expectations. I worry and worry about the interaction even though I am sure the other person has long ago forgotten the exchange. I sometimes wonder if part of the reason I do this is because as a woman I have been taught to sacrifice my own emotions and needs in order to make sure that everyone else is happy and content. In the past when I have had scheduling problems with other managers/bosses (all female) they had always been very accommodating and all around nice. They had always been willing to discuss the problem with me and make sure both felt like we had come to a conclusion. With this manager I still feel unsure on what I should do in the future to avoid this problem and feel like I just got yelled at and not listened to. Overall I feel like things are completely unresolved and while I kept wanting to bring it up during the work day I never felt like I could and he seemed completely content with things. I definitely miss the more flat structure of my previous work environments. I feel like I am a much more productive employee when I feel like I am being listened to and when I feel like I matter as an employee.
On a side note this has been driving me crazy my manager is the only one who does not conform to the dress code. I feel like this is him asserting his power in a unnecessary and annoying way. While everyone else, including the assistant manager, wears black pants, white shirt, apron and name tag he wears jeans and a white shirt. He does not even wear a name tag even though he still helps customers on the sales floor. Okay now I am just ranting. Thanks for listening.
I always do this when I feel like I have not lived up to someones expectations. I worry and worry about the interaction even though I am sure the other person has long ago forgotten the exchange. I sometimes wonder if part of the reason I do this is because as a woman I have been taught to sacrifice my own emotions and needs in order to make sure that everyone else is happy and content. In the past when I have had scheduling problems with other managers/bosses (all female) they had always been very accommodating and all around nice. They had always been willing to discuss the problem with me and make sure both felt like we had come to a conclusion. With this manager I still feel unsure on what I should do in the future to avoid this problem and feel like I just got yelled at and not listened to. Overall I feel like things are completely unresolved and while I kept wanting to bring it up during the work day I never felt like I could and he seemed completely content with things. I definitely miss the more flat structure of my previous work environments. I feel like I am a much more productive employee when I feel like I am being listened to and when I feel like I matter as an employee.
On a side note this has been driving me crazy my manager is the only one who does not conform to the dress code. I feel like this is him asserting his power in a unnecessary and annoying way. While everyone else, including the assistant manager, wears black pants, white shirt, apron and name tag he wears jeans and a white shirt. He does not even wear a name tag even though he still helps customers on the sales floor. Okay now I am just ranting. Thanks for listening.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Life goes on
I have been having the worst time writing for this lately but I finally decided to stop putting it off and to sit down and just write. Even though I had things I wanted to write about I could simply not get anything out. When I finally sat down and thought about it I came to the conclusion that I have not been writing anything because I did not want to really thing about some of the things I was feeling. I decided that is was time to get it out there.
I have been feeling like I have disappointed people I care about and have been almost embarrassed that I have not finished school. I don’t know if it is because of society or just the way I had been thinking but I felt like it was all over. I felt like at 23 when traditional students are graduating from higher education that it’s all over. That is the life you will have. The job you get is the job you get and you’re stuck there. Well with this thinking I was a little disappointed to say the least. I felt like I would forever be stuck living with my mom, working part time jobs and never finishing my education. It has taken me a while to realize that life is not over at 23 there is still lots of time for change and improvement. I can go back to school and maybe even get a masters degree even if I am 30 or older when it happens and it is definitely not all lost to finding a full time job in my area of interest before that happens. I already have a good start working part time in my field. I just keep finding myself losing sight of that.
Even though I am sure my mom does not mean to she makes me feel like I am wasting my time trying to achieve a full time position as an advocate. She has told me over and over how stupid it is that I have been commuting to my job and that I should just work in retail closer to home so I do not use so much gas. While it might be silly for me to keep this job I just do not want to lose this opportunity to get experience in what I love to do and to hopefully further my chances of getting a full time position somewhere. Maybe I am being unrealistic and should just let the idea of me being an advocate at this time go and take a more practical job I just really don’t want to. I think I am a good advocate and that I could really excel in this field. I also really do love it. I of course get stressed out and have to vent about my job, as does everyone, but my mom always takes this as why am I doing this and that I should just quite. No matter how many times I tell her that the positive outweighs the negative she does not seem to really listen. Ever since I came out as queer our relationship has changed. I no longer feel like I can share things with her and when I do she tells me how silly and stupid I am being (when I share things about my job). I have taken a second job at Hallmark closer to where I currently live and I have not even told my mom. I just have a feeling she will pressure me to quite working as an advocate and work more hours at Hallmark and I really do not want to.
Over the last few months I have felt like I have lost some of my voice. I started to think I was a huge disappointment to those that have been important influences in my life. Since I felt like a failure I intern withdrew from sharing my opinion and putting my thought out into the world because I simply felt like they did not matter.
I had things I wanted to write about on this blog but I felt so (for a lack of a better word) little that I was scared to put it out there. I started to doubt the decisions I have made and to feel like this was it. I was never going to have a full time job, I was never going to finish school, and I was never going to live on my own again much less have my own place. After thinking about this all for a while and trying to work through these feelings I finally realized several things… I do have good things to say and that what I think does matter. I have valid input and I am a good advocate. I will go back to school and its okay if I am older when this happens. I will not live with my mom forever. Right now commuting to work is something I am willing to do to get experience and my mom can disagree with that but it’s ultimately my decision and I think I am making the right one. Life is definitely not over at 23.
I have been feeling like I have disappointed people I care about and have been almost embarrassed that I have not finished school. I don’t know if it is because of society or just the way I had been thinking but I felt like it was all over. I felt like at 23 when traditional students are graduating from higher education that it’s all over. That is the life you will have. The job you get is the job you get and you’re stuck there. Well with this thinking I was a little disappointed to say the least. I felt like I would forever be stuck living with my mom, working part time jobs and never finishing my education. It has taken me a while to realize that life is not over at 23 there is still lots of time for change and improvement. I can go back to school and maybe even get a masters degree even if I am 30 or older when it happens and it is definitely not all lost to finding a full time job in my area of interest before that happens. I already have a good start working part time in my field. I just keep finding myself losing sight of that.
Even though I am sure my mom does not mean to she makes me feel like I am wasting my time trying to achieve a full time position as an advocate. She has told me over and over how stupid it is that I have been commuting to my job and that I should just work in retail closer to home so I do not use so much gas. While it might be silly for me to keep this job I just do not want to lose this opportunity to get experience in what I love to do and to hopefully further my chances of getting a full time position somewhere. Maybe I am being unrealistic and should just let the idea of me being an advocate at this time go and take a more practical job I just really don’t want to. I think I am a good advocate and that I could really excel in this field. I also really do love it. I of course get stressed out and have to vent about my job, as does everyone, but my mom always takes this as why am I doing this and that I should just quite. No matter how many times I tell her that the positive outweighs the negative she does not seem to really listen. Ever since I came out as queer our relationship has changed. I no longer feel like I can share things with her and when I do she tells me how silly and stupid I am being (when I share things about my job). I have taken a second job at Hallmark closer to where I currently live and I have not even told my mom. I just have a feeling she will pressure me to quite working as an advocate and work more hours at Hallmark and I really do not want to.
Over the last few months I have felt like I have lost some of my voice. I started to think I was a huge disappointment to those that have been important influences in my life. Since I felt like a failure I intern withdrew from sharing my opinion and putting my thought out into the world because I simply felt like they did not matter.
I had things I wanted to write about on this blog but I felt so (for a lack of a better word) little that I was scared to put it out there. I started to doubt the decisions I have made and to feel like this was it. I was never going to have a full time job, I was never going to finish school, and I was never going to live on my own again much less have my own place. After thinking about this all for a while and trying to work through these feelings I finally realized several things… I do have good things to say and that what I think does matter. I have valid input and I am a good advocate. I will go back to school and its okay if I am older when this happens. I will not live with my mom forever. Right now commuting to work is something I am willing to do to get experience and my mom can disagree with that but it’s ultimately my decision and I think I am making the right one. Life is definitely not over at 23.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Row row row your boat....
So where to start…. I have had several things that I wanted to blog about lately but I cannot seem to get my thoughts together in order to write something. But I figured I might as well just write something so here it is… My work needed help with a group they do for the kids and while kids are not my specialty I decided to give it a go. The group is intended for school aged kids but as I soon found out that so does not happen. During the hour you are supposed to help the kids with homework and since most are young and the homework does not take long you are also supposed to try and come up with an educational activity. Well when I got there were about 10 kids and only 2 of them were school aged. The school aged kids did not have homework and I decided to throw out the education piece because I simply had no idea what to do for kids with such a big age range. I decided to instead focus on keeping everyone safe and relatively happy. This was not an easy task for someone who has not spent much time with mass amounts of children. I know 10 does not seem like mass amounts but when they were all running around there seemed like there were 200 haha. I finally got in the grove of things, kind of, and at one point the kids were playing on instruments, singing and dancing. I forget how uninhibited children are. The kids wanted me to sing along with them and I found myself nervous. The kids don’t care how I sound so it was simply silly for me to be nervous about such a thing. I am not sure at what age we start to become self conscious and are no longer willing to belt out a tune or dance in circles. I find it sad that people seem to lose their eagerness to try things out even though they may look silly. I survived watching the kids and I even did it twice and am going to do it 2 more times next week. While I could not do this all the time I was amazed by how uninhabited and resilient these kids are especially considering everything they have gone through.
*side not for those who don’t know I work at a domestic violence shelter.
*side not for those who don’t know I work at a domestic violence shelter.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
211 things A Bright Boy Can Do
So a few days ago I stopped at a bookstore on my way back from Fort Collins since I had gotten off at 5 and did not want to sit in rush hour traffic. At this bookstore I found this gem....
When I saw the cover I had to pick it up to see what bright boys can do. I was not prepared for what I found. Inside the table of contents there were your standard active things (that are hardly ever found in books for girls) like how to build a fire. Now so far the book seams like a typical book for young boys. Than I saw this....
Yes that says How to Judge a Woman's Bra Size at a Glance. Gross!!!! Absolutely Gross. The smaller text goes on to say that it will be difficult to do but it is a skill that once refined is important. (really?) It also says that you will be surprised that women love to have you guess there bra size and will be more than happy to help you learn this art. *um yea I don't know any of those women* This gem of a book also teaches you how to play Edward forty hands the drinking game. Note I found this book in the kids section. Gross all around
When I saw the cover I had to pick it up to see what bright boys can do. I was not prepared for what I found. Inside the table of contents there were your standard active things (that are hardly ever found in books for girls) like how to build a fire. Now so far the book seams like a typical book for young boys. Than I saw this....
Yes that says How to Judge a Woman's Bra Size at a Glance. Gross!!!! Absolutely Gross. The smaller text goes on to say that it will be difficult to do but it is a skill that once refined is important. (really?) It also says that you will be surprised that women love to have you guess there bra size and will be more than happy to help you learn this art. *um yea I don't know any of those women* This gem of a book also teaches you how to play Edward forty hands the drinking game. Note I found this book in the kids section. Gross all around
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Wondering around in the dark
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So today I had my first day of of training and it has left me with a whole basket of emotions (yes a basket of emotions haha). I walked out today feeling like I am completely clueless and that I have zero skills for this job. Now my rational part of my brain tells me that I do in fact have the skills to be great at my job and that it will just take a little bit to get used to things. While I know this deep down I have this overwhelming since of feeling of inadequacy. Is this something I have been socialized to think as a women? That I do not have skills and that I am never qualified enough. I feel like I hear a lot of the women in my life echoing my feelings of not being prepared and skilled enough for a job yet I do not hear it from men. Granted I do not have a plethora of male friends.
I also left the first day of training missing the flat structure and feminist/social justice atmosphere of my old job. My new job is definitely not anti-feminist I just feel like I am missing that extra social justice atmosphere. I am also struggling with the feeling that I have a tone of responsibility yet no real authority. I have a to make some fairly big decision yet I get the feeling (from some of the higher up folks) that my input and thoughts do not matter that much. Its a very odd dynamic especially when I have worked for the past two years at a place where I felt valued. I am hoping that as I work there more that some of these feelings will lessen and even though some things have been rough I am extremely happy to at least have a job in my area of interest.
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