Today when I walked in to work (my retail job) my boss greeted me by yelling at me over scheduling. Before I was hired I had told him that they would have to be flexible with my hours since I have another job. I tried to be very clear about this and he said he would be more than happy to work with me. Today he said I was not clear and he was angry with me that there were restrictions on times that I couldn't work. I think I held my own and stood up for what I need. Yet I still feel like nothing was resolved and I worry we will have the same argument next week when he makes a new schedule. I take these things so to heart and it completely ruins my day. I spent a good portion of the morning wanting to cry and agonizing over the exchange. Maybe I am too sensitive but I am still agonizing over this, worrying that I was not clear and that he will be mad at me again even though it happened almost 7 hours ago.
I always do this when I feel like I have not lived up to someones expectations. I worry and worry about the interaction even though I am sure the other person has long ago forgotten the exchange. I sometimes wonder if part of the reason I do this is because as a woman I have been taught to sacrifice my own emotions and needs in order to make sure that everyone else is happy and content. In the past when I have had scheduling problems with other managers/bosses (all female) they had always been very accommodating and all around nice. They had always been willing to discuss the problem with me and make sure both felt like we had come to a conclusion. With this manager I still feel unsure on what I should do in the future to avoid this problem and feel like I just got yelled at and not listened to. Overall I feel like things are completely unresolved and while I kept wanting to bring it up during the work day I never felt like I could and he seemed completely content with things. I definitely miss the more flat structure of my previous work environments. I feel like I am a much more productive employee when I feel like I am being listened to and when I feel like I matter as an employee.
On a side note this has been driving me crazy my manager is the only one who does not conform to the dress code. I feel like this is him asserting his power in a unnecessary and annoying way. While everyone else, including the assistant manager, wears black pants, white shirt, apron and name tag he wears jeans and a white shirt. He does not even wear a name tag even though he still helps customers on the sales floor. Okay now I am just ranting. Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Life goes on
I have been having the worst time writing for this lately but I finally decided to stop putting it off and to sit down and just write. Even though I had things I wanted to write about I could simply not get anything out. When I finally sat down and thought about it I came to the conclusion that I have not been writing anything because I did not want to really thing about some of the things I was feeling. I decided that is was time to get it out there.
I have been feeling like I have disappointed people I care about and have been almost embarrassed that I have not finished school. I don’t know if it is because of society or just the way I had been thinking but I felt like it was all over. I felt like at 23 when traditional students are graduating from higher education that it’s all over. That is the life you will have. The job you get is the job you get and you’re stuck there. Well with this thinking I was a little disappointed to say the least. I felt like I would forever be stuck living with my mom, working part time jobs and never finishing my education. It has taken me a while to realize that life is not over at 23 there is still lots of time for change and improvement. I can go back to school and maybe even get a masters degree even if I am 30 or older when it happens and it is definitely not all lost to finding a full time job in my area of interest before that happens. I already have a good start working part time in my field. I just keep finding myself losing sight of that.
Even though I am sure my mom does not mean to she makes me feel like I am wasting my time trying to achieve a full time position as an advocate. She has told me over and over how stupid it is that I have been commuting to my job and that I should just work in retail closer to home so I do not use so much gas. While it might be silly for me to keep this job I just do not want to lose this opportunity to get experience in what I love to do and to hopefully further my chances of getting a full time position somewhere. Maybe I am being unrealistic and should just let the idea of me being an advocate at this time go and take a more practical job I just really don’t want to. I think I am a good advocate and that I could really excel in this field. I also really do love it. I of course get stressed out and have to vent about my job, as does everyone, but my mom always takes this as why am I doing this and that I should just quite. No matter how many times I tell her that the positive outweighs the negative she does not seem to really listen. Ever since I came out as queer our relationship has changed. I no longer feel like I can share things with her and when I do she tells me how silly and stupid I am being (when I share things about my job). I have taken a second job at Hallmark closer to where I currently live and I have not even told my mom. I just have a feeling she will pressure me to quite working as an advocate and work more hours at Hallmark and I really do not want to.
Over the last few months I have felt like I have lost some of my voice. I started to think I was a huge disappointment to those that have been important influences in my life. Since I felt like a failure I intern withdrew from sharing my opinion and putting my thought out into the world because I simply felt like they did not matter.
I had things I wanted to write about on this blog but I felt so (for a lack of a better word) little that I was scared to put it out there. I started to doubt the decisions I have made and to feel like this was it. I was never going to have a full time job, I was never going to finish school, and I was never going to live on my own again much less have my own place. After thinking about this all for a while and trying to work through these feelings I finally realized several things… I do have good things to say and that what I think does matter. I have valid input and I am a good advocate. I will go back to school and its okay if I am older when this happens. I will not live with my mom forever. Right now commuting to work is something I am willing to do to get experience and my mom can disagree with that but it’s ultimately my decision and I think I am making the right one. Life is definitely not over at 23.
I have been feeling like I have disappointed people I care about and have been almost embarrassed that I have not finished school. I don’t know if it is because of society or just the way I had been thinking but I felt like it was all over. I felt like at 23 when traditional students are graduating from higher education that it’s all over. That is the life you will have. The job you get is the job you get and you’re stuck there. Well with this thinking I was a little disappointed to say the least. I felt like I would forever be stuck living with my mom, working part time jobs and never finishing my education. It has taken me a while to realize that life is not over at 23 there is still lots of time for change and improvement. I can go back to school and maybe even get a masters degree even if I am 30 or older when it happens and it is definitely not all lost to finding a full time job in my area of interest before that happens. I already have a good start working part time in my field. I just keep finding myself losing sight of that.
Even though I am sure my mom does not mean to she makes me feel like I am wasting my time trying to achieve a full time position as an advocate. She has told me over and over how stupid it is that I have been commuting to my job and that I should just work in retail closer to home so I do not use so much gas. While it might be silly for me to keep this job I just do not want to lose this opportunity to get experience in what I love to do and to hopefully further my chances of getting a full time position somewhere. Maybe I am being unrealistic and should just let the idea of me being an advocate at this time go and take a more practical job I just really don’t want to. I think I am a good advocate and that I could really excel in this field. I also really do love it. I of course get stressed out and have to vent about my job, as does everyone, but my mom always takes this as why am I doing this and that I should just quite. No matter how many times I tell her that the positive outweighs the negative she does not seem to really listen. Ever since I came out as queer our relationship has changed. I no longer feel like I can share things with her and when I do she tells me how silly and stupid I am being (when I share things about my job). I have taken a second job at Hallmark closer to where I currently live and I have not even told my mom. I just have a feeling she will pressure me to quite working as an advocate and work more hours at Hallmark and I really do not want to.
Over the last few months I have felt like I have lost some of my voice. I started to think I was a huge disappointment to those that have been important influences in my life. Since I felt like a failure I intern withdrew from sharing my opinion and putting my thought out into the world because I simply felt like they did not matter.
I had things I wanted to write about on this blog but I felt so (for a lack of a better word) little that I was scared to put it out there. I started to doubt the decisions I have made and to feel like this was it. I was never going to have a full time job, I was never going to finish school, and I was never going to live on my own again much less have my own place. After thinking about this all for a while and trying to work through these feelings I finally realized several things… I do have good things to say and that what I think does matter. I have valid input and I am a good advocate. I will go back to school and its okay if I am older when this happens. I will not live with my mom forever. Right now commuting to work is something I am willing to do to get experience and my mom can disagree with that but it’s ultimately my decision and I think I am making the right one. Life is definitely not over at 23.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)