Fuzzy Hugs

When I know that an agency promotes feminist values I always hope that I will find a second home. That I will be enveloped into a fuzzy feministy hug. For a little over a year I worked at a domestic violence shelter that promoted feminist values on paper but I quickly found how easy it was to lie on paper. Not only would I say that this agency did not promote feminist values but I would also say they did not practice ethical behavior. It seamed like every decision staff made was wrong. Management would frequently embarrass and yell at staff for doing things "incorrectly". We would be pushed and belittled until we submitted to what ever management wanted. There were moments where management would bring us gifts or give us praise. I would always think that things were going to get better from here on out. The good phases might last for a week or maybe even a month but it would always go back to how it was. Some of us started to question some of the practices that were going on. We discovered that several labor laws were being broken. However if we ever tried to talk about these things with management we would be yelled at until we eventually thought that we were wrong. I questioned every decision I made and I really thought that I was in the wrong and I was crazy. I could see that the things management were doing were abusive but I downplayed how bad things really were. I could not believe that an agency that was supposed to work to end domestic violence would be abusive themselves. It was not until I left this agency and started working for an amazing domestic violence agency did I realize how abusive they really were. The longer I have been away from the unhealthy environment the more I realized the tole it had on my body. I was constantly sick. My hair even began to fall out due to stress. The more I have reflected on this experience the more I realize how abusive it was. It was so easy to downplay things and to tell myself and others that it was not that bad. It sickens me that an agency that is supposed to help people who have been abused are actually being abusive to there staff. It also makes me sad how much the clients suffer in this environment. The clients were constantly on edge. While the agency was supposed to provide basic needs for clients those basic needs were rarely met. It is so incredibly disappointing when an agency does something that is so unethical. This can have a huge consequence on peoples live.